Since I brought it here already anyway, I figured an explanation was in order. Last night me and my (long distance) girlfriend had a really long talk. To give you the background, I went to school with this girl all through high school, but never really developed feelings for her until the very end. We started dating shortly after our senior year ended and decided to try the long distance thing, with winter and summer breaks together(at the time she also was hoping to transfer to my school in WA later, but that fell through). Late last semester we were already struggling because both of our schedules are clinically insane(she's a double major in Computer and Mechanical engineering and I'm a Computer Engineer at a school for people who like to punish themselves. I have 19 credits this semester.) when she realized that not only would she not be transferring here, but she would probably have to take summer courses because she failed Calc 1. We decided to call it quits on the relationship thing, but at the time I was so wrapped in work and christmas was approaching so I just brushed it from my mind and moved on. Over christmas break we realized we still had strong feelings for each other the moment we were back together in the same room. We decided to give it another shot, at least for the duration of the break, and at the end of the break we decided to try the long distance thing again. It is a month ago today that I left, and last night she called me(worth note that she had once more stopped calling any more often than once a week, due to schoolwork and work).
The basics of the conversation were that she had met someone else and wanted to try a relationship with him. She had various reasons, such as the odds stacked against us being at different school halfway across the country, only seeing each other for a couple weeks at a time near the beginning and end of the summer, and Christmas break, but mostly at issue was this other guy she was attracted too. I was fairly proud of myself for maintaining control. . . more or less, I got a little nasty near the end of the conversation, but I'm somewhat notorious for my temper. It doesn't appear often, I'm usually extremely laid back and hard to really rile up, but once I get mad I tend to scare the people around me(friend and foe alike). After we talked for an hour or so and had pretty much exhausted the possibilities of that conversation we hung up, and once I regained partial motor function I called my friend and closest confidant, who abruptly blew me off(I told her what I was calling about). Thats more or less when I went the alternate route of screaming into the wild open internet in rage and hurt, and then smoking a LOT of grass and watching Persepolis(a really interesting movie by the way). Later on I figured some things out and sent her an apology email for being kind of nasty. I decided to cut and paste the email I just sent her(if it seems strangely worded, thats because it takes place in the middle of a larger and less important exchange) here, so as to contribute something on the nature of love to this board which I shamelessly jacked for my sorrow.
The conversation background in slightly more depth; when we were talking last night, I put a lot of questions to my now-ex-then-girlfriend about the nature of relationships and what she was really looking for. She found herself unable to answer them and according to a later email I actually struck some similar chords to things her mother had told her before and she's now taking some time to evaluate some things(or so she says, its hard for me to tell whats going on 2000 miles away).
Without further ado:
"I absolutely still want to be friends with you, yes. I think you were
just pushing me a little hard for what I was willing to take last
night(some people get sad, I get angry, recall the story of me
breaking the cane top when me and l* were arguing over the phone
.
Using the Richter scale for earthquakes, me angry at ACEN last
year was a 6 and how I felt last night was a 9**) and eventually some of
that anger started to boil over, thats what I'm apologizing for. I
didn't mean to make it sound like I didn't want to be friends anymore,
but reflecting later that seemed to be how it sounded. I'm cool now
though, I smoked more grass faster than most people would suggest and
watched this really trippy french cartoon called Persepolis, which is
probably the most interesting thing I've seen since The Fountain. To
put it simply, I've recovered perspective.
I would like to make it clear that I'm not apologizing for any of the
points I made about you early in the conversation and admittedly even
some of my barbs had the sting of truth. The answer to those
questions is, or always should be, the same and clear as day. Love.
Thats the only really valid reason relationships are formed; anything
else is just playing with pebbles along the road of life. Love knows
no bounds; to use the common example, love is what allowed K*** and
A*** to form and maintain a relationship over such a distance and
time. Love doesn't stray; its the reason even though K***, by her
own admission, developed feelings for me, she cut those off in favor
of what she knew she truly wanted and needed. Love is worth fighting
for; if you had loved me, you wouldn't have always called me when you
had figured out what you were going to do already, and more to the
point, you would have MADE the time to contact me more often. I don't
doubt that your schedule is a busy one, but they don't call it making
time for nothing and you knew damn well that the biggest threat to us
was the distance and the only way to remedy this was to communicate
often. Love is paramount; without it any relationship is just a
shallow exercise, going through the motions without them really
meaning anything. I said last night you've kept me guessing since day
1, and it wasn't until several hours later that I realized my issue
here was that I'd been guessing wrong.
Good luck with D****, and I hope you learn to love.
~Doug
*l = my ex girlfriend from soph year in high school. She had a lot of emotional problems and after one particularly bad argument near the end of that relationship, I expelled my rage by squeezing the top of this cane that I keep in my room that is essentially a large dragons claw holding an orb. I've become somewhat notorious because in my mad rage I snapped one of the solid metal fingers off...by one handed squeezing it.
**At Acen last year one of our people was late and by the time we arrived they had closed the line for badge pickup due to a lack of help. Its one of the other few times I've been really angry and the only one she's actually seen
*** K and A are two friend of ours who moved in together last August after a couple of years of long distance relationship; I've referanced them and their problems a lot when me and her talk. Also, K is the friend who blew me off last night when I thought she would help. Also noteworthy, I met K near the beginning of her relationship with A and we were briefly involved before we decided to break it off.
****D = the guy she's leaving me for.
. 
HALFFOOT..... I just wanted to say that I really admired the way you dealt with the whole situation hun.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT A THING... COS EVERY LIL THING IS GONNA BE ALRIGHT
. I have no car and my college has something like an 11% female population, most of whom are art students and as such go to the other campus, meaning I never see them. I rarely get the chance to go fishing, so to speak. 
