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so i've been with this guy for awhile and it's a long distance relationship, which is fine that's not an issue the issue is he already has kids and it's causing some problems between us, any advice or feedback on the situation is most appreciated, thanks

Well i took on my step daughter when she was 8 she`s 23 now and calls me Dad despite that im divorced from her mother

kids can definatly ruin a relationship i will tell you that for sure. not that having a kid isnt a great thing but for some reason it seems to fuck up your relationship. atleast it did for me and my parents and just about everybody else that i know.

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Hawkeyes Rule

First of all...how long is "awhile" a while to you might mean 3 months or 2 years.


As for Boone, Chances are if kids are messing up a relationship, the parents were either too young to have a child at the time or not prepared to have one. You gonna tell your child when they grow up that its their fault you and their mommy aint together? Thats kind of mean man.


You gotta understand, kids are born into this world and they learn at an early age who to trust. Most children trust their birth parents if they're involved in their lives. Kids are fragile too, perhaps mommy and daddy arent together anymore, then daddy starts seeing another woman, naturally a kid is going to be jealous because of the attention daddy gives to another girl, and not the child or their mother. Same goes for mommy, they're going to be jealous.

Its not just kids, adult children of divorced parents go through the same thing.....my best friend's mom and dad got divorced when she was 2.....24 years later her mom finally remarried, you'd think a 26 year old would be all for her mom re marrying after all these years, but no she was jealous of the attention her new step father got. She accepted it eventually but for a while all I would hear was "mom is ignoring me...etc etc."


Children are one of the greatest joys in the world, try to get on their good side, try to explain that you love their father and you want to pursue a deeper relationship with them, however you're not going to steal daddy away from them, nor will you tell daddy that he cant hang with his kid. Assure them that you KNOW, they are daddy's number 1 priority and you will back off when the child needs their father.



Now to address Boone, I can understand why you might be bitter at the moment, but think about it this way, you now have a child that you're going to care for the next 18 years at least, think about all the things you can do with your child, maybe the mother doesnt want to be around anymore, dont let the child suffer from mommy's decision. I personally dont think younger people should have children but whats done is done, instead of looking at your child as the "thing that broke mommy and me up" look at them as "someone you can teach and mentor for a lifetime" Its ok to feel resentment, but dont put the blame on the child alone, I'm pretty sure there were other factors that drove the relationship apart. If I took your comment out of context, I apologize but from what I read it feels like you're unhappy with having a child and I just want you to be the best father you can be regardless of the mother's involvement.

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Listen up.......I got two words for you.

Smoke more!

i didnt say its their fault at all. i love my daughter more than anything in this world she is the only reason i have to live. but when you have a kid, its complicates things. and no its not always cause the people who had the kids were too young my parents were both in their 30s when i was born and they couldnt work shit out. they were together for a very long time before i was born and were only together for about 7 years of my life. a lot of people that i know grew up in the same situation i have friends whose parents were never together they divorced right when they were born. it usually comes down to money cause when you have a kid money becomes a problem cause you suddenly notice that you dont have enough of it. and money can cause a lot of stress for people. there are lots of people in this country who have had the same problems.

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Hawkeyes Rule

I also said they were not prepared (not just young but not prepared) which means money wise they were not prepared, or emotionally they were not prepared, physically not prepared etc etc.


My parents were both in their 40s when I was born, I have two older brothers who are 10 and 12 years older than me, yes my parents have their problems but they work them out.

I hate to say it but too many people now days dont try to work their marriages out, they just think divorce is a quick fix to their problems, it only causes more problems. It takes hard work to be in a relationship and both people in the relationship have to give more than they think they should, not only that but they need to understand how the other person "works"


I refuse to have a child until I'm married and stable, if that means abstaining from sex, so be it, if that means waiting til I'm 30 or older, so be it. Thats just me, everyone is different.


I'm glad you love your daughter and you're there for her, most fathers your age refuse to take part in their child's life, I'm proud of fathers who stick around to take care of their children, it took 2 to make the kid, so it should take 2 to raise it as well.

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Listen up.......I got two words for you.

Smoke more!

(holds head and screams!)
well, Sheila,
all i got to say, with first hand knowledge is,
its either going to be Heaven or Hell
good luck

thanks guys, in time (a very long time) i think it will get better if i just put up with a bit of grief, thanks for the feedback

excuse me, 'just a little bit of grief'???
and its a long distance affair???
you better be rethinkin your plan there,
if its bad now,
wahts it going to be like just a little bit later?
i hope your asking just as many questions as i am,
cos i can think of alot more...
sorry, but denial is written all over your post

In my opinion for what its worth, there has never been a truer word spoken, I totally agree with what cani has said, and I think Sheila now is a good time for you to have a long hard think about where this is all going.

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DON'T WORRY ABOUT A THING... COS EVERY LIL THING IS GONNA BE ALRIGHT

Yep, I've tried the long-distance thing; it was hard enough without having major issues like children involved. I agree with the above posters; re-think the WHOLE situation.

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Religion is for people afraid of going to hell; spirituality is for those who have already been there.

My grass is blue

Nice post! But i think kids can definatly ruin a relationship i will tell you that for sure. not that having a kid isnt a great thing but for some reason it seems to fuck up your relationship.

Maui Weddings
Maui Wedding

I chose not get involved with women that have kids, considering I am the product of a broken marriage. Now that I look back on it I was a complete ass to my step dad because I wanted my parents to get back together. He is a cool guy and I put him through absolute hell. I am not saying that his daughter will do the same, I just chose not to take the risk and waited to start a family of my own. Whatever you decide I wish you the best of luck.

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Don't bother asking me if we should load another bowl. The anwser is and always will be YES