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Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...


or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....











FIRST TESTIMONY:





I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you ch arge for a shampoo and a blow job?"


I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.








SECOND TESTIMONY:





I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.


I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.


After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking ge ntlemen who works at the store.


He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls"











THIRD TESTIMONY:





My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.


As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.


I r eplied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."


My sister started to laugh hysterically.


The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.


To this day, my sister has never let me forget.











FOURTH TESTIMONY :





While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.


I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of


disgust and annoyance from other patrons.


I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.


To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"


The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.


Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.


I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.








FIFTH TESTIMONY:





Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?


My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room.


While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.


The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No" .


I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."


Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied.


I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!





"While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he


calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.


An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!





LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:


This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.


What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!


We had a female news anchor that,


the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, she turned to the weatherman and asked:


"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"


Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

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Lmao those were great. I'm sick as hell, thanks Smokey I needed a laugh.

__________________
Realize that if you have time to whine and complain about something then you have the time to do something about it.
Build your reputation by helping other people build theirs.
Anthony J D'Angelo

and on that note :

Some things I've learned from my children over the years...

1. There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing batman underwear and a superman cape.
5. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
6. Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
7. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
8. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
9. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
10. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
11. When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late.
12. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
13. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
14. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
15. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoe it does not leak-it explodes.
16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
17. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
18. Duplos will not.
19. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
20. Super glue is forever.
21. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
22. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
23. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
24. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
25. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
26. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.27. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
28. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
29. The fire department in Austin has at least a 5 minute response time.
30. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
31. It will however make cats dizzy.
32. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
33. Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
34. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

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"if a man smiles at home somebody is sure to ask him for money"



MrSpliffy™

I've had one of those moments I hope I would of thought before I spoke- I was 5 years old with my mom at the grocery store. I had bad diarrhea and I was walking around looking for the gatorade. I made it there and my mom wouldnt let me get the kind I wanted , and I ended up screaming at the top of my lungs: " MOM! I WANT THIS GATORADE FLAVOR FOR MY DIARREA!" the larger black women standing behind me said to my mom: " if you dont get that for him, I will so he doesnt keep shouting!"

yeah... funny. lol

__________________
organic for life.

Photo:Purple Kush- 5 weeks into flower.
vaporize! your lungs will thank you!

Thanks you guys for a great laugh!!! Toooo funny

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LMFAO SMOKEY!!!!!!!!!! hahahaha... so awesome. I have put my foot in my mouth like that so many times... this made me feel so good hahaha

Mr.Spliffy... Brilliant list LOL

Peace and Pot.

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Toke Up

Thank you smokey for your wonderful stuff. I had a good laugh. How nice it would have been if you would have been my neighbor so that I could have walk to you to listen to your funny stuff and especially in my pensive mood to relax.