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I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Dangerous Neighborhood" routing option.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think
about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own
story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize
you're wrong.

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to
have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
sticks when they've invented the lighter?

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're
going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be
going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the
direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check
your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself
to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by
randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This
recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be
ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't
work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically
fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know
how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or
FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the hell was going on when I first
saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes
stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes
shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the
right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a
millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really,
really gets it.

The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on
highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I
decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk
over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that,
Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my
hand to guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a
mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is
me. Even cats can recognize their own image.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your
computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish
a text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the
spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to
say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron
test is absolutely petrifying.

My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads.
Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired
about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us."
Classy, bro.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I
hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and
smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to
prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples,
I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I
had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G
as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each
other?

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile
is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red
Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every
year?

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would
probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a
problem....

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything
productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want
to have to restart my collection.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going
to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if
I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I
did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this, ever.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching
TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me
if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this.
It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room.
Will we still be friends after this?'

While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China
and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that
when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!),
but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to
voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run
away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing
anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed
for pedophiles...

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but
no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
know what time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to
with it.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys
in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -
but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3
feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would
happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the
link takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they
drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw
they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words,
someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about
it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to
require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself.
There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before
dinner.

thats great doo'D...so glad I read it!

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one man gathers, what another man spills

I actually read this whole thing. I got nothing else to do today I have friends that are cops, and yes they do get mad when u obey the speed limit while they are behind you.

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I didnt read all of your post OP, but what I read is true, lol.

A disposable lighter is a valuable treasure for a stoner.

Drugs and vices are great conversation openers and tools for meeting new people.

Stoners are most usually calm and generous.

Weed smoke dehydrates your skin, which is a pretty awesome bonus if you are a body builder or work out regularly, because it helps you get ripped and vascular.

You should not tease a Venus fly trap's jaws. Each pair of jaws can only close certain number of times before it dies.

Dont try to light a bong with a match. Youll be wasting your time.

Salvia tastes like crap.

Do you ever get the feeling you have forgotten something when you are about to leave your house? You will usually ramble around trying to figure what it is, you leave aside what you are carrying and try to think and realize you have all you need to take and just leave only to actually forget the stuff behind. Happens to me quite often.

It is about time I went to eat, but instead Im writin random stuff here.

This thread has been bumped.

I was irrationally pissed off just 5 minutes ago.

Simo Hayha, a real life Finnish farmer and hunter is probably the most bad ass soldier to exist either real or fictional. Over the course of only 100 days, equipped only with an iron sighted, bolt action Finnish equivalent of the Mosin-Nagant, and in temperatures of -40°C, he still holds the biggest sniper-kill score, of 505 comfirmed sniper kills, but a possible of 542. These numbers include entire Soviet commandos sent to kill exactly and only him.
Adding to his sniper kills, he also used a submachinegun to kill other 200 enemy soldiers. This sends his body count up to 705 comfirmed kills.

Jack Churchill aka "Mad Jack" was a Scottish surfer who applied for commando duties in the Brittish Army in WW2, not knowing what it actually was, but it sounded awesome.
He was best known for saying "An officer who goes to war without a sword is not properly dressed", and following this, for carrying a claymore into battle and actually using it. In World War Two.
Crazy? He is credited with taking down 42 German soldiers and a Mortar squad equipped only with his sword. Thats not crazy, that dude was a bulletproof madman on crystal meth.

There is an Japanese saying which states "The finest flowers grow on the shit of Godzilla", which means all the best changes to our world come after severe tragedies.

Heehee..i was a nintendo game blower!!

Johnny 5..alive?

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one man gathers, what another man spills