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Thought it might be fun to start a joke thread. I hear jokes all the time but can't remeber most of them. I have to admit, sometimes reading a joke is not nearly as funny as hearing it from a good joke teller but maybe we can have some fun with this. Here's the first one:
The Dangers of Thinking
It started out innocently enough.
I began to think at parties now and then--to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone, "to relax," I told myself, but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?" One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver."You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said, impatiently.
She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors.They didn't open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.
Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me. Today, I decided to become an engineer...
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below says, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an ARCHITECT," says the balloonist. "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost." The man below says, "Ohhhh. You must be a CONTRACTOR." "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
WHACKS AND CRACKS Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology." The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors." This was not acceptable either. So in an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go. Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again. Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentive." Still no good. Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again. So they tried "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." No way. "Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope. "Nuts and Butts?" Uh uh. "Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go. "Loons and Moons?" Forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
Jesus was walking through the streets of the city talking with a following crowd when in the distance see saw a women running toward him followed by an angry crowd.
As she got closer she stumbled and fell at Jesus' feet. Both crowds gathered around the women on the ground at Jesus' feet. The angry crowd were screaming "Stone her! Stone Her!".
Jesus raised his hand and spoke "Let ye who is without sin cast the first stone". Quietly you could hear the rocks falling out of the angry crowds hands. Suddenly a rock whistles right past Jesus' head.
As Jesus turned he muttered "Mother, sometimes you make me so mad!"
This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.
The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.
Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.
The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"
The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."
The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!!!"
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the
prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
(Oh btw, my heritage is Irish which made me laugh even harder!)
1) you wear sun glasses at night so you can see better
2) you have acctually put out a fire with bong water
3) the term "hydro" does not mean water
4) you have an usual parking space outside your local head shop
5) you have a name for your 3 bongs 2 pipes one of which was made by you
6) you know your measurements from grams to ounces by heart
7) your best friends are your dealer and your roller
8) you sell your car for gas money
9) after reading this list you have done most if not all
10) if you respect 4:20 to a religious value
11) if you sue your employer for not getting holiday pay on april 20th
12) if glass blowing was your minor and herbology was your major
One day in the jungle, Lizard climbs up a tree and finds Monkey sitting on a branch, smoking some weed. Lizard asks him for some but Monkey keeps saying
"No, you’re a lightweight, it’ll go straight to your head."
But eventually after some pestering, Monkey gives Lizard some of the weed. after smoking for a bit, Lizard starts to get a bit thirsty, being a lightweight and all, so he goes down to the lake to get a drink.
While he’s down at the lake, he sees Alligator who asks him where he’s been, as he seems a bit high. Lizard tells Alligator he’s been up in the tree smoking with Monkey, so Alligator goes up to ask Monkey if he can have any.
So as Monkey’s sitting there, high as a kite, waiting for Lizard to get back, he sees Alligator coming
"What The!!" yells Monkey, "How much freakin’ water did you drink?"
telling people jokes.
